FINALLY FREE OF RETAIL!

Well I haven't made any new posts in quite a while because I got out of retail HELL several months ago and so did Kyle.  I now have a REAL job that I applied for along with 200 other applicants who failed miserably in comparison to my resume and interviewing charisma. That goes to show that only the complete fuck-tards in retail management lack people skills (or ANY skills) in the same way a cobra lacks a social support network of mice.

I will never, ever go back to retail, but I can't wait to be standing in line at some store while listening to some grumpy old grandma complain about the cashier being too slow, and then turning around and giving that cunt a Stone-Cold Stunner to shut-her-the-fuck-up.


Finally, my brilliant post entitled, " All Engineers Are Arrogant Assholes " has been getting a lot of hits lately, and I wanted to ensure all the readers of this blog that I meant every single word of that post.  Engineers ARE ALL Arrogant Assholes.  Every-Single-One.

THANK YOU TO ALL OUR FANS!  Have a nice day!

We know you stole it

If there is one thing in this world worse than useless fucking morons, its thieves. The ones I am referring to are the ones that steal tons of stupid shit and then come back to return it. Who the fuck does that you may ask? Well I will tell you, every fucking cracked out piece of shit that steps in the door. One big fat she-Shamu in particular likes to shoplift frequently with her scumbag entourage. They come in and stuff their pockets and handbags full of shit and return often days, if not hours later to return it.

At this particular store we can only return items without a receipt to a merchandise card. This rude-ass fat lady has been told this every time. Yet every time she comes in she asks for cash and throws a tantrum every time she's told that we can't.  Instead of stealing on a regular basis, she should try thinking outside her enormous fat rolls and GET A FREAKIN' JOB.  But I suppose that someone who steals and tries to return product later that day isn't quite smart enough to flip burgers, although she probably eats 10-12 a day and wonders why she isn't losing weight.

Shoplifters who throw tantrums when they can't get cash back need to be chopped up into tiny pieces of fish bait.

Messy Customers Should Invite Me to Their Home

What the fuck is wrong with stupid-ass customers who go through the shit on the shelves in a store like they are on a timed treasure hunt looking for magic token of some sort?  Don't these cocksuckers realize that somebody has to fix THEIR fuckup?  I've had shithead customers put something back in the WRONG location right in front of me before.

LISTEN ASSHOLES: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY SHOPPER, OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING YOU JUST SCREWED WITH SO PUT THINGS BACK EXACTLY AS YOU FOUND IT.

Now why should these bloody, diarrhea-filled cunts invite me to their home?  So I can bring a baseball bat with me of course!! The adult children that destroy the stores they shop in need to learn the hard way what it feels like to clean up after someone.  After I got through smashing up their home so bad that they'd need a shovel to find the floor, I'd take a dump right on their bed.  Assholes deserve nothing less.

In departments with boxes full of product on the shelves, shithead customers will sometimes pull out EVERY FRICKIN' BOX to look inside and leave the boxes sticking out.  Here's how a conversation SHOULD go with these pricks:

ME: Hey dickhead, did you just pull all these boxes forward?

DICKHEAD: Oh, yeah that was.....BAM!!!! (that's when I nail the fucker in the gut with my knee)

Restaurants and Stupid Customers

I've been on vacation for the past week, so I first must apologize to my loyal fans that my blog partner Kyle has been too much of a lazy fuck to make any new posts while I was gone.  You all should leave comments on his posts like this one, "Eating is Not a Disability" and tell him to write something new!!

ANYWAYS, I think being a waiter would be a horrible job.  Not worse than retail in a big store, but still pretty bad.  I have a friend that works at IHOP and she had this to share:


Listen up customer/guest retards!  When you first walk into the restaurant, there is a BIG sign right-the-fuck in front of you that says, "Please Wait To Be Seated." You would not believe how many dyslexic gimpy cow-fuckers think that means, "Do Whatever The Hell You Want, Wherever You Want."  And if that sign is mistranslated, you know that those idiot illiterates will just cause problems the rest of the time they are in the building.  Here are a few basic rules you should follow when you go out to eat:

DO NOT:  Ask to be seated or moved somewhere else.  You will sit where we have you sit for a REASON.  Did you ever suspect for a second that we sit you in certain places for a REASON?!  Just say thank you, and shut your ugly mouth.  If your face moves, I don't want to hear any sound coming from it.

DO NOT: Ask for 50 fucking changes to a certain menu item.  It's a pain in the ass.  If you don't like the "ham & cheese with bacon bits omelet" because you were born fucked-up and allergic to EGGS, MEAT, and CHEESE - ORDER SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD OF ASKING US TO CHANGE THE WHOLE DAMN BREAKFAST PLATE!!!!

DO NOT: Be a picky son-of-a-bitch and then leave half your food on the plate AND THEN leave a shitty tip.  Assholes.

That's it for now, comments about working in the restaurant business are welcome!  And don't forget to bug Kyle.

New Poll and Why Do Some Retail Retards Care So Much?

Check out the new poll I just made, and vote on it.  If you don't work retail, then pay attention to this blog and learn something about the painful reality some of us experience every day.

Today I want to point out some of the idiocy that some retail shit-heads display.  To start with an example, I went to go see Lord of the Rings (Best movie of all time.  If you disagree, you are stupid and should completely discontinue trying to have an opinion) with my hot date and the stupid self-righteous EPIC BITCH behind the glass wouldn't give me a student discount because I didn't have a student ID.  At the community college I was going to, you NEVER NEEDED AN ID so of course I never got one.  But this whore felt so important and special by charging me full price ($12.00 for a frickin ticket is ROBBERY!) for a damn ticket. 

Which brings me to my main point, Why the hell do idiot workers care about such petty BS?  Do you think you get a pay increase by being a dick??  I don't think so.  Just give the damn discount.  You think your company cares about you?! HAHA!!!! Hell no!!  So what twisted car accident inside your head makes you think there is any realistic reason why you should fuck over the average Joe?  Stupid bitches, go fuck yourselves.

At my store if some mental midget moron is looking at refrigerators and asks if there are any on clearance (first of all, STOP ASKING FOR DISCOUNTS!) I tell them "No, you stupid cheap-ass.  But if you don't want to pay full price just take a hammer to the side of that Kenmore fridge and you'll get a discount."  Why? Well what the hell do I care?! It doesn't make one bit of difference to MY paycheck what he pays for something, and it sure as shit isn't MY fridge!!  So you retail pricks that DO CARE for no reason at all and think you are special, need to take a flying leap off the top of your company's roof that you worship so much.

ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! When you walk into a retail store, this picture clearly displays how much each and every employee cares about you:

If You Don't Need It, DON'T BUY IT! Jackass Customers.....

First of all, the poll is now closed for profession with the most assholes.  'Politicians' is the clear winner! I'd personally like to send a big THANK YOU out to all of America's crooks, thieves, liars, bought-and-paid-for-corporate-puppets (aka: "our" elected [through fraud] public servants) for being such COMPLETE A-HOLES!!!  And a Sincere thank you to everyone who voted on the poll.

ANYWAYS! People return the weirdest junk in the most bizarre conditions.  Some worthless waste of skin brought a shovel to the return desk he had bought months ago, and he wanted to exchange it for a new one.   This shovel looked like it had been through hell and back, it was all bent up, caked in filth and mud and varying brown substances, just like the guy returning it.  Well our return policy (printed on every single receipt) doesn't allow for such nonsense; this bastard got his money's worth on the shovel and he needed to go away.  He didn't.  He whined and cried like a baby with overflowing diapers saying the shovel had a 10 year warranty or some such bullshit.  If that's the case, CALL THE DAMN COMPANY THAT MADE THE SHOVEL, IDIOT!!!  On hundreds of products in the store, the manufacturer has included on their product bright lettering that tells the moron consumers to NOT return product to the store!  There is a number to call.

One of the best cases of super retardation was when a jackass returned a set of screwdrivers.  One of the screwdrivers was bent.  Now, first of all it should be known that SCREWDRIVERS are meant to DRIVE SCREWS and NOTHING ELSE!  This asshole told the brain-dead cashier that the screwdrivers "did not work well as chisels."  CHISELS!!  So of course we took it back and gave this waste of life his money back.  Insanity. 

I should go to a car lot, buy a big truck, set it in gear so it drives itself off a cliff, then get it towed back to the dealership in a jumbled mess and demand my money back because it didn't work well as a hang-glider.


If you don't need the product, DON'T BUY IT!!  Don't buy 40 huge cement blocks if you only need 5!! Do you asshat morons realize what a pain in the ass it is to put all that crap back on the shelf??  Fuck You.  You buy it, YOU keep it.

Would You Bastards Buy These Two Hot Chicks From the Whore House, Then Return Them Because They Didn't Work Well As LAWNMOWERS?!?  Probably - MORONS.

Eating is not a disability

I don't know if you people are aware that the electric carts are not there to prevent your morbidly obese ass from burning calories. They're for people who CAN'T walk on there own! I'm tired of watching people the size of a small whale driving around in carts, meant for elderly people or those with disabilities, with their kids sitting on their fat rolls holding on for dear life while the little cart struggles to break 1 mph. You made it to the front door tubby why don't you just keep on walking!!

What would these clowns do without drive-throughs? McDonald's doesn't have electric carts, Pillsbury you're gonna have to work off that DBL QP with extra cheese the old fashioned way...... WALKING!!!! To make it worse these retards can't even put the cart back where they got it and plug it back in so the next Micheal Moore look-alike can abuse it.

I know the excuses are coming, I have a thyroid condition, I have type 2 diabetes, I'm big boned, blah blah blah. I call bullshit!!! You're a huge bastard who eats their feelings. Go to a gym, or if you're too pathetic, get your own damn cart so the guy with cancer or arthritis doesn't have to ride in the race cart while you cruise around drinking a bucket of chicken and peeing in your fupa. F-U lazy assholes in your assholes!!!!

The Word "Exit" Has a Meaning!!!

This is yet another discussion regarding the insanity of illiteracy.  Why can't people read? Maybe there is some magical, invisible field surrounding all retail establishments, and as soon as someone passes through it...... "BAM!!!" - Their IQ takes an immediate 50% drop.  Within seconds of passing through this force field, the ability to reason or think logically vanishes, and within a few more seconds the shopper is rendered completely incapable of reading!!  That's the best theory I have come up with so far, but if you readers have a better one then Please Share!

I mean, people simply can't be SO RETARDED all day long can they??  Considering the complete lack of brain activity that customers exhibit in the store, it would then be logical to assume they could never leave the parking lot because they would have no idea how to turn their car on.  They would hop around like monkeys slapping at their vehicle expecting to get lucky and get the engine running! 
But wait, on second thought I HAVE seen lingering Obama bumper stickers on cars!  Even NEW stickers!!!  Now as we all know, anyone who put an Obama sticker on their car during the election campaign is a complete FREAKIN' IDIOT.  Now IF those same morons DIDN'T realize their painfully obvious error and remove that sticker within the first 2 months of Obama presidency......they should give themselves a pat on the back for becoming a member of the most selective groups in existence:  MOST RETARDED DUMB SHITS IN THE UNIVERSE.  My point here is that these dipshits still manage to turn their car on.  A Miracle!  A great mystery for the ages!


So back to the main point.  Every store in the US has multiple signs showing where the exits are (by law), and most have signs showing where the exit ISN'T.  Every single day several asshat customers walk up to the door with GIANT, BRIGHT letters on it that spell, "NO EXIT."  They walk up all confused like a politician in a church and assume that the door displaying "NO EXIT" must be broken.....  Usually they have to be redirected to the EXIT doors which ALSO have giant letters that CLEARLY explain where they are.

What the hell, people?!?  LEARN TO READ, IT COMES IN HANDY!!




By the way, "Politicians" is leading the way in my poll of which profession is MOST full of assholes!

People In The Way

This applies not only to the perspective of a retail employee, but to anyone who shops, especially at grocery stores.  First off, sometimes big machines like forklifts need to drive around the store to get shit done.  They are big, and they are heavy, and if some retard customer got hit by one, his ass would be grass.  THEREFORE: You would THINK that anyone who has ever had the teeny tiniest sparkle of common sense in their whole life would hear the loud beeping, the horn, and see the large colorful machine headed their direction and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.  But no, these Christopher Reeve wannabe's just stand there in a coma fixated on whatever little trinket on the shelf they are staring at and will never buy.  It would take a WHOLE 3 seconds for these drooling neanderthals to step back, let me pass, then continue to drool while trying to figure out what they are doing out of their retard cage in the first place. 

These poop stains that mindlessly stand in the way of a forklift are the same stupid bitches that walk across the parking lot staring straight ahead and don't even slow down when walking past the area between the parking lot and the front entrance of the store - you know, where CARS DRIVE PAST FREQUENTLY!!!!!! What stupid, arrogant fools!!  As if they expect to be like superman and have the cars bounce off them.  Do what your failed parents SHOULD have taught you, and LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET!!  Let the cars pass, THEN go on your merry way. 



GET OUT OF THE WAY BITCH!
YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE IN
THE STORE!!!



"Excuse me, Helen Keller!!! Helloooooo?!?! Could you please move before I take great joy in flattening your dumb ass like a pancake?!!!"

The other retards in the grocery store are the ones bent over looking at Pasta-Roni, while their cart sits at an angle resting against the rice, thereby blocking the whole damn isle.  Stay to one side morons!!  Dont stick your fat ass out in the middle of the skinny aisle to look at something.  IF someone is coming, MAKE SURE YOUR SHIT (cart, kids etc.) IS OUT OF THE WAY!!!  Totally self-absorbed, inconsiderate worms.

That's what these idiots get for being in the middle of a
FREAKIN ROAD!!!

Better Things to Do Than Help Customers



All Retail Stores Should Display
This Sign Up Front

 Honestly, helping the helpless gets really old after about 20 minutes.  In retail, if you do not find something to entertain yourself with you will go insane.  I have seen it happen and I work with people that have been at this same shitty job for even longer than I....and their current mental state is truly terrifying.  I can only assume that it will continue to decay for as long as they stay in retail until they become a ghost, a shell of a human.

SOOOO......with that said, let's take a look at some FAR more enjoyable and productive activities then helping idiot, retard, asshole customers:

#1 Making paper airplanes - It is great fun to grab some scrap paper (in a retail store ALL paper is scrap!) and make some airplanes to throw down the aisles!  One guy watches for piece-of-shit power tripping managers, and the other launches his plane!  Rank 3/5 on the "fun" scale.

#2 Throwing "knives" - We don't really use throwing knives at work (yet) but screwdrivers make excellent replacements! We throw them in all kinds of product boxes, but the best is light bulbs.  You gotta try and make the screwdriver stick AND you get to hear the glass shatter!  Rank 4/5 on the "fun" scale.

#3 Indoor snowballs - One of the benefits to living in Spokane is that it snows.  Yeah, sometimes it sucks ass but when at work it can be entertaining.  It's pretty simple to go outside and make a snowball, then bring it inside and launch it at the back of some douchebag employee's head.  Then duck out of the way so he doesn't see you.  Hilarious!!! Yes, it's the little things that count in the HELL that is retail.  Rank 5/5 on the "fun" scale.

So those are just three minor fun things to do that ward off the inevitable insanity that comes from years of working retail because helping you dipshit customers absolutely sucks ASS!!

Also check out this great article about retail here: http://www.infobarrel.com/Should_You_Work_a_Retail_Job

It would be AWESOME if every stupid retard customer that walked in the store was instantly set ablaze....



The Daily Musings

So I write about the idiocy of people as set examples, yet I don't think you non-retail workers out there really understand the mind-blowing frequency at which customers act like retards and a-holes.  JUST YESTERDAY I had to deal with several morons that acted EXACTLY as described here in this blog.  Here are just TWO retards that are in desperate need of euthanasia:


#1 A seriously stupid bitch was buying 3 wooden fence panels FOR HER HUSBAND, and even though there were nearly identical panels next to the ones she wanted for HALF-OFF, her butt-blasting husband on the phone insisted on the ones he told her to get.  Now after me and a buddy haul these 6' x 6' panels all the way to the front of the store without ANY HELP from the bitch buying them, she says "I have a truck with a camper shell but these panels should fit without any problem."  YOU DUMB WHORE.  Not in a million years would these panels fit in a truck with a camper shell.


#2 Some fuckhead came in looking for an electric space heater (I guess nobody told him it's MARCH) and just would not take NO FOR AN ANSWER when I told him we don't have it anymore for the season.  This deliberately beligerant sewer rat continued looking desperately all around on the shelves for what he wanted and reiterated what the heater looked liked, its cost etc.  I should have said, "Listen dipshit, I know what you are looking for and we DO NOT HAVE IT you retarded rotten scab." What the customer DID say was, "Well is there someone else working here that might know if it got moved or put away for the season???"

Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Retail really is the WORST JOB EVER. 

Also, please vote on the new poll!

All Engineers Are Arrogant A-Holes....

Everyone over age 6 should know that engineers are pricks.  All of them, without exception.  There's even 2 or 3 decent lawyers in the world (not in America of course, but elsewhere), but not with engineers.  The hilarious part about these idiots is that they are so retarded.  Completely braindead.  Every time something is being explained to an engineers that is beyond their minimal abilities of comprehension, their immediate argument is presented thusly: "I'm an engineer." ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY ENGINEER!!

What a joke these clowns are.  They must expect their unfortunate audience to bow low at the utterance of such High and Holy words as "I'm an engineer."  What REALLY happens is that the engineer (most could never figure out tinker toys) is thought of as a complete moron, and correctly recognized as a 5-year-old know-it-all asshole in the body of a fat and ugly 45-year-old.  They must teach in engineering school that arrogance towards smart people is the greatest virtue known to man.

I love it when cocky dickheads get slapped in the face with common sense.  One time a weird looking asshat returned a basic lawn mower to my store I used to work at.  He said it worked fine at first, then stopped. He said, "Now, I'm and engineer, and I know what it sounds like when an engine seizes up.  I want a replacement."  Well, instead of getting this retard a new mower, I spent about 20 seconds looking over this "seized" engine and came across the miraculous discovery that this dumb 'tard had the fuel line valve in the OFF position.  Maybe instead of going to school to be an a-hole engineer, he should have learned how to read MANUALS.

IDIOT