Here's how a typical conversation goes when a dumb-as-a-rock customer calls in to have me hold something for him/her/it:
Retard: Hi how are you?
Me: Fine, what can I help you with? (stupid bitch, I'm at work so obviously I'm having a horrible day)
Retard: Oh, well I was wondering if you had an item in stock.
Me: Ok... (hurry up and get to the point dammit. It's not like I don't have a hundred other things to do.)
Retard: I'm looking for a belt for my snowthrower. Do you have that?
Me: (Like there exists only one universal fits-all belt for any snowthrower YOU IMBECILE!) Yes, we have belts. What brand do you have? Which belt?
Retard: Oh, uhh, wait I think I have the part number here, XXX-XXXXX (actually, customers NEVER have a correct part number, and hardly EVER have any information that pertains to what these buffoons are trying to buy, but I'm simplifying so I don't hurt my brain having to recall all the moronic things I get told by retard customers like YOU).
Me: Yes we have that in stock.
Retard: Do you have very many of them? I won't be able to make it down to the store for another 15 minutes because I have to change my diaper.
Me: Yes (you fool), we have about 30 of them on hand and we've never sold a single one.
Retard: Oh, ok well, can you hold two of them for me?
Me: Sure (I will put two belts on hold for you in case a barrage of desperate people seeking snowthrower auger belts storms our building and buys every last one of SOMETHING WE'VE NEVER SOLD in the next FIFTEEN minutes!!)
Retard: Oh thanks! I'll be right down!
Me: (click)
Aftermath: About 30 minutes after that mind-numbing phone call, my company's other store 15 miles down the street calls and tells me that I can put away the two belts I was holding, because the neanderthal asshole customer CALLED THE WRONG FREAKIN' STORE. IDIOTS!!! And yes, this happens ALL the time.
So the moral of today is: If you want to buy something, GO TO THE DAMN STORE AND BUY IT! You lazy, worthless turd of a human. OR, use something called "the internet" and do your shopping there.
How lazy can you be?! Go in the damn store, grab what you want, AND LEAVE!
oh bah
ReplyDeleteHa! I laughed my ass off about this blog. I got it from a link from a friend on FB. Well said! I've never worked in retail, but I do think there are a lot of idiots out there!
ReplyDeleteI worked retail for 5 years. Mannnnn, some of the things you say are sooooo spot on and hilarious. The difference is, there were days I did like my job. I can only imagine how someone could deal with a job they hate and the cesspool of nuts that comes with it!
ReplyDeleteThe worst part was the unsolicited business advice from customers. "This store is a mess! You should clean it up!" You think so, asshat? Gee, when I get done doing the 50 million things I am doing I will get BACK to doing just that! Meanwhile, after I have heard this over and over (I worked at a series on stores and one was particularly overrun with messy customers) it just got sooooooo annoying. Say you went to see someone who works at a desk. Would you comment on their desk being messy? Or, I always wondered how a customer would feel if I was THEIR customer and criticized the way they did their job????
Thanks for the comments!! It's appreciated!
ReplyDeleteThat's why I don't work in retail anymore....Glad to finally find someone who felt the same way I did.....hope things get better for you....just say enough is enough...I did and I couldn't be happier....good luck and thanks for the laugh...:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support! Retail is the worst job ever but I'm trying hard to get the hell out of it!
ReplyDelete