Friday, February 18, 2011

Don't Send Your Spouse....

....Unless she is a smokin' HOT supermodel.  Then it's ok to send your wife in so the whole store can follow her around taking photos with our cell phones (there's no joke there, it's one of our few forms of entertainment).  OTHERWISE, I get so sick of someone trying to describe what their significant other said they saw at our store "when they were in here last week."  I'd like to tell these putrid swamp creatures that they clearly made a poor choice in their mate.  IF THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY WANTED THEY SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT WHEN THEY SAW IT!!!  Idiots.

And I am not talking about Christmas time when people are buying presents, I'm talking about now.

These morons then babble on incoherently in a manner like so:
Moron Spouse: Hi, my husband sent me in here to get something....that we have to use in our basement? (Yes, in the form of a question as if I'M supposed to read her husband's mind.  I'm pretty freakin' awesome but I don't read minds)

ME: Ooooookaayy..... are you finishing a basement or adding something to it??

Moron Spouse: Oh, well, we just started on it and we need....well he said it comes in a white container, does that help?

ME: Not in the slightest.  What is this stuff that comes in a white container supposed to do?

Moron Spouse: Well..[dumb bitch proceeds to make hand motions since her ultra-minimal vocabulary prevents her from verbally putting together an accurate description]...oh now I remember, it keeps water out!

ME: Is it something you paint on, like Drylock??

Moron Spouse: Yes! Yes! That's it!

ME:  Oh good, I'm glad we figured out what your retard husband should have bought last week.  Unfortunately this is PETSMART and We Don't Carry Drylock!!!  Want to buy a hamster?

Moron Spouse: Oh seriously?! Well I could have sworn he said it was here.....blah blah BLAAAAAHH

This shit happens all the time.  Seriously.  I know that you, my loyal readers, think that I may be exaggerating or making this up but sadly no.

Stupid people, it's truly a miracle that your brain can function just enough to get you out of the house, yet utterly fail you at all other tasks.


  1. the sad thing is that he really isn't exaggerating. i work at a lowes and everything written in this blog is spot on...

  2. I do,ct even live in America, but you get stupid customers EVERYWHERE. I sell make up at a counter and we get customers who ask: have you got the lipstick that's advertised on TV? I then ask what brand is it from, and they say they don't know (!!) but it's advertised on TV so I must know; to which I say that I don't watch TV and I don't even have a TV set. It was the same when I worked in a toy store before. Have I seen the toy advertised on TV. No, they don' know what brand, they don't even know if it's a teddy or a car, but it was advertised on TV. But I think the best one was when a customer asked me if we have a pram that's on offer and is on the first page of our website (I used to work in a place selling all kinds of stuff for babies and children). Why on earth would I check out my company's website? Obviously, the customer didn't know the make, price or even colour of the pram..